[For Roxas]

[1st_class_zack]

It was just another day of the life on Tabula Rasa. Zack had woken up at daybreak and done some squats. Some was more accurately described as hundreds, but he hadn't been counting. At least not after three hundred.

Today a nice swim in the ocean sounded good. He'd left most of his clothes on the beach and even left the Buster Sword propped against a tree in the sand. Strife, having only ever lived on Tabula Rasa, had no fear of the beach or the waves on the beach. So he followed Zack exuberantly into the water.

After a few laps, he felt refreshed, fully awake and ready for breakfast! The two headed back to shore and out of the sea onto the dry sand that stuck to Zack's skin and Strife's coat.

Comments

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"Hey, friend," Zack greeted Roxas as he walked up the beach. "What do you think of the Buster sword?"

He'd felt a slight pang of jealousy when the sword had turned up for Cloud, despite the poor condition of the sword. Now, though, watching Roxas test the grip, he felt only a small sense of pride in the kid. He believed in him.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

"Hey," Roxas said, jumping back, his hand leaving the hilt. "Sorry, I was just looking..."

What was he supposed to say? "It's...I've missed using a weapon. Mine were smaller than these though." He sealed his lips and his eyes went a little flat after that sentence, making it clearly he wasn't going to explain his weapons any further than that.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

Zack held up a hand. No explanations were necessary. He smirked slightly.

"Well? How does it handle? It's pretty heavy, huh?"

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas took that as a challenge. He'd only been holding the hilt but, if Zack was letting him, he'd try. He put calloused hands on the hilt and tugged it free from the sand. At first he almost dropped it but didn't from sheer stubbornness. He wasn't weak!

With a second tug, Roxas had it free and held it level, his arms straining from the effort. He swung it once, to the left, his knuckles white from the effort of keeping form. With a pivoted step, Roxas brought it up in a curving slash before returning to his original position, the tip of the blade raised slightly above the sand.

"Yeah, it's a little heavy," Roxas said, though pure satisfaction was written all over his face.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

Zack was impressed that Roxas hadn't dropped it. Moreso when he was able to swing it.

"Tell me about it," he laughed. "I had to get Cloud to carry it around for me last year. When I was about five years old again. You did pretty good. How's the balance? Is it different from what you've carried before?"

It wasn't often that Zack talked swords.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas put the sword back in the sand, his muscles screaming in protest. He stared evenly at the sword, promising that he was going to come back, if Zack let him, and he was going to learn to wield it easily.

"It's very different," Roxas said. He put his right arm across his chest, pushing down his elbow with his left hand, stretching out his protesting arm muscles. "I've never handled a sword before."

Then he paused, "Five years old?" That was just a little alarming.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

Zack smirked, but tried not to show it, as Roxas worked out his arm. Another swell of pride in a sword that wasn't even his own.

Zack shook his head away from Roxas to free any remaining water before putting his shirt on. Of course, his pants were still wet. So it seemed pointless to put the rest of his uniform on too. He sighed.

"Yeah, five," he replied, evenly. "Back in a minute." He scooped up his clothes and boots but left the sword. No use in carrying it back inside the hut.

They had a small store of water bottles from the compound and some water that was carried from the river. Zack rinsed off the remaining salt water and sand. He got dressed and headed back out to Roxas. He brought the gunblade with him.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas looked at the gunblade Zack was carrying, plainly startled. He'd seen a weapon like that in Sora's memories! It had belonged to Leon, back when he'd been in Traverse Town. He and Sora had dueled.

"Where did you get that?!" Roxas demanded, running closer to look at it.

Sora's memories weren't clear enough and his own recollection of them were leaving perfect detail. But Roxas could tell, this was the same kind of weapon, if not the same one, period.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"Oh this? Cloud left it," he shrugged as he said it. He'd only brought it out because it was lighter than the Buster sword. He'd been meaning to train with it, but it seemed Zack had an aversion to using swords.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

"Someone in my world had a gunblade just like this," Roxas said, staring at it. "His name was Leon." He looked up at Zack, wondering if he'd recognize the name. He ran the heel of his hand up the flat of the blade trying to puzzle out just what he felt about this.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"Never met anyone named Leon. I don't think Cloud had met him either. It just showed up the same day Strife did."

"Here," he said, handing the lighter sword to Roxas. He continued over to his sword and picked it up. He twirled it once in his hand, then swung it with great flourish over his head and into place on his sword holster. Oddly, he hadn't even done it to show off, not that he was opposed to showing off. It was just easier to put the sword up with the momentum of a full swing.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

It wasn't the right weapon, and it wasn't his weapon, but it felt so good to Roxas to have something like this in his hand. Immediately, he took a step forward, slashing as he went, twisting on his right foot and cutting down. He jumped up and backwards, back-flipping, and then landing in a crouch, his body sliding back an inch or two with the momentum and soft sand.

Roxas rose into a standstill, holding the gunblade loosely in his right hand. His body was giving him signs that he had overdone it, which frustrated him. A few motions with the gunblade shouldn't have made him break a sweat, even with that go with the buster sword before it.

"Handles all right," Roxas said gruffly. That self-satisfied look was back though.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. I've been meaning to learn it. There's no good excuse for not having done it seeing as we have all the time in the world on our hands, but ..." He shrugged. It had been Cloud's sword. Several of Genesis' copies had used one similar to it. It was just easier to leave it in his room than learn to use it.

"But I should learn," he said decisively. He made no movement, however, to reclaim it from Roxas.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

"It's different from what I had, but it's about the right size from what I used to fight with." It was heavier though and differently shaped, but Roxas was sure he could use it well enough.

Still...Roxas eyed the Buster Sword. "I want to get good enough to use that." It stood like a challenge.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"It's closer to what I used when I was a 3rd and 2nd class," he commented about the gunblade. Though the trigger mechanism was completely different from any sword he'd ever handled. He'd never had much use for guns. He had easily blocked bullets, missiles and materia attacks with his sword. What use was a gun compared to his sword?

"It was pretty heavy when it first turned up here for me." He removed it from his holster again, no flourish this time. That was the purpose of a sword holster, quick to action ready stance.

He stared at it. Ironic that he'd never wanted the sword, but Roxas saw it as a challenge.

"Embrace your dreams," he said quietly, adding a smile as an almost afterthought.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas paused at that and went quiet for a long moment. He'd never had any dreams to embrace. Just mission after mission and now, here on the island, missions he gave himself. Conquer learning to surf, because it was a challenge. Conquer the sword. But why? It was why he spent so much time running through things to expend energy on; it kept him from thinking.

"I don't think...I have dreams," he said slowly.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"You should have dreams, Roxas," he said, putting aside the memory of Angeal's death and recalling the long lectures about the importance of having dreams and protecting one's honor.

"The more impossible they are, the better," he paraphrased Director Lazard. "Angeal's dream was to save the world," he blurted out before he realized what he'd said.

"Mine was to be a 1st class SOLDIER, then to be a hero," he continued, hoping to avoid the sore topic.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas wanted to ask just who Angeal was, but he stopped. He saw what Zack was doing; it was the same thing he did when he let slip something about Sora without meaning to. And, in the same way, Roxas knew that pushing that kind of thing would get him nowhere.

"I just...existed. I went on missions. The only thing I was ever told to want was a heart." And now he had one.

"I don't know what I want."

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah." His tone was somber again. He knew exactly what that was like. He'd become a 1st class when Genesis and Angeal left Shinra. He had thought he would have been happy, but he hadn't been.

"I thought the day that I became a SOLDIER 1st class would be a happy day for me. Instead it was thrust upon me out of necessity." Stupid Angeal for listening to Genesis and thinking he was a monster. Stupid Sephiroth for pushing missions off on him. He was surprised that he remembered those feelings so quickly, but he pushed them aside. He thought that he'd forgiven Angeal. He sighed and closed his eyes as he pressed the flat of the blade of the buster sword, still in his hands, to his forehead.

"Embrace your dreams," he spoke quietly. "And whatever happens, protect your honor." It had been SOLDIER honor when he'd said it to the infantrymen troops before their mission to Nibelheim. Now it was just your honor. He opened his eyes and raised the sword with his right arm. He stared at it fondly for a moment, before he lowered it and gently let the tip rest on the sand.

"Surely there's something you want," he gently pushed again.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

"SOLDIER? Your Organization?" the capital O was evident his his tone. Roxas thought he understood something of Zack's tone when he spoke about his old team.

He saw the pride Zack had in his sword. It was the same kind of pride they'd all had in their weapons. Roxas and Sora and the keyblade. Axel and his chakram. Even Zexion and his supid Lexicon.

"I don't know..." he repeated. He wanted...he wanted to want something. "I want Axel here, but that's not a dream is it? That's just missing someone." He wanted to be normal? But that wasn't a dream either. "I want to be my own person. Not someone's nobody. I just want to be Roxas."

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"My Organization was called the Shinra Company. I was part of their SOLDIER group. They had another group called the Turks. I think I told you a little about them when you asked about ...," he paused he remembered the name, "Reno."

"I think that's a good dream to have," he said. His tone had lightened, but he still felt a weight was on him. He'd wanted to be his own person too. He wanted to go home and see Aeris again and become a mercenary. But he'd decided to embrace his dream of becoming a hero and making sure Cloud got home safe. He didn't regret that choice. He would have made that choice a million times over, but he did regret that his organization had made the choice to destroy him. Him and all of his friends. Angeal. Genesis. Cloud. Even Sephiroth.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Reno. That strange man who looked so much like Axel. Roxas frowned for a second, not liking the memory of that pang of shock and disappointment.

"I think...I have to know who I am to know what I want. Does that make sense?" He finally said. That had been what he wanted back in his own world, the closest thing he would call a dream.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

Zack nodded. It made perfect sense to him. Where else could you start except at the beginning?

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas sank into a sitting position in the sand, his legs loosely crossed in front of him instead of curling into his usual ball. "Sometimes though," he laid aside the gunblade. "It's kinda hard when your weapon's been a part of you for so long. Just another step I have to take, I guess."

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

"I knooooow the feeling, friend," he elongated the syllable for effect and he slung the guard of the Buster sword's hilt onto his shoulder.

"I felt lost before this turned up. And I wasn't happy to see it the day it found me. It's not mine. Not really."

But now it made him feel whole. It was a reminder of the things he needed to do while still being a reminder of the things he had done.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

"It's yours and it feels right in your hand, and you can fight with it. But it isn't yours?" Roxas asked. He knew all about that actually. Why did the keyblade choose me?! he'd demanded, one of his justifications to defect from the Organization. He needed to know why.

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

Zack shook his head in reply. He turned his back to Roxas, looking instead to the sky over the endless sea.

"He gave it to me and I gave it to Cloud." He didn't turn or look back.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

"My weapon belonged to someone else too. He went to sleep for a while and it was mine. But it's his now," Roxas said.

And then he realized something and suddenly smiled. A whole new thought had occurred to him, maybe because of something Aeris had said, or maybe because he was just finally learning how to be in this place. "No...I think, back home, it belongs to both of us now."

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

Behind him, Roxas' tone had changed. Zack hung his head slightly.

Zack... If you want to be a hero, you need to have dreams... and honor. He remembered that speech. It hadn't made sense to him at the time. He'd thought he was in trouble somehow for not being serious in the training mission. Back home, his memories had been more vivid and he could easily recall them. But even here, if he thought really hard, he could remember things like this that Angeal had said. The important things. They weren't as vivid, but they were just as helpful.

"I will," he replied quietly to himself. He pulled himself together and turned around to face Roxas again.

"Do you share it?" His brow was furrowed though his tone was curious. He didn't always understand what Roxas said, but he'd written that off as Roxas being from some place different than Midgar. Often it was difficult to get the details down when the subject was a play he'd never been.

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas' peaceful mood shifted when he realized what he'd said aloud. To explain what he'd said would mean telling Zack, fully, about who he was. Maybe it was cruel of him to think so, but he only just felt like he was Roxas to him and not the-boy-who-looks-like-Cloud. He wanted to be just Roxas a little longer, instead of Roxas-the-knockoff-of-Sora.

"Back home, I'm part of another person," Roxas admitted. He drew one knee up to his chest, wrapping his arms around it and laying his cheek on his knee to look up at Zack sideways. "I have a lot of things to explain. I will, someday, but not just yet."

[1st-zack.livejournal.com]

He'd already opened his mouth to ask what Roxas meant by that when Roxas finished by saying 'not just yet.'

'Part of another person?' he thought. He wondered if it was anything like how Director Lazard had become part of Angeal. Was Roxas a clone? Questions for another day.

Zack nodded. Those questions would just have to wait for another day.

"Want to head up to the compound and see if there's any breakfast left?"

[oblivions-oath.livejournal.com]

Roxas saw the question on Zack's lips and was glad when he nodded and didn't ask. He'd understood that time back in the rec room and he understood now. Roxas just needed a little more time.

"Yeah, breakfast would be good," he said, smiling. That little workout had left him hungrier than he would have thought.